Thursday, 15 June 2017

Blunder on the Orient Express (Just Sayin' )




Okay, I'm gonna be honest here and admit that I can't even begin to be objective about this.  So I'm not going to be all Nor am I going to flush down hard earned money to watch this trainwreck of a remake. And I'll tell you why. 
   Simply put, Kenneth Brannaugh is Hercule Poirot like I'm Barbra Streisand!   NOT.  I don't have her look. I most definitely do NOT possess  her VOICE. Nor do I have her house, her awards, her husband or her bank balance.   I'm 0-6 which is why I'm not her.  
  Likewise,  Kenneth Brannaugh is NOT Poirot.  He just isn't.   I've seen Poirot. I've watched him.  I could spot that egg-shaped head in a crowd  of a thousand.  And those EYES!!! As the saying goes,  "The eyes are the windows of the soul."  And I liked who I saw.  Yes, he could be a bit self-involved, but NOT to the expense of friends.  He could drive a  certain Scotland Yard cop nuts in a game of 'king of the hill'  only for said cop to realize that it made more sense to work together then try to compete. 
And by the time we see them together, for the last time, in The Big Four, it is Assistant Commissioner James Japp, of all people, who is writing the Memoriam letters that are received by Captain Hastings and Miss Lemon in the beginning of that episode and the end of an era.     
   Now some will no doubt get defensive, in Mr. Brannaugh's favor. For starters, there's Mr. Brannaugh's extensive movie character acting resume.  NO ARGUMENT.  I'm not running down Kenneth Brannaugh as an actor . NO. But I like and admire Johnny Depp as an actor, too.  He just didn't do any justice to a role the Gene Wilder  so UNFORGETTABLY created  (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory ) .  Everything about Gene's interpretation of that character was right. It fit!  Whereas Johnny Depp's interpretation was like an ultra white Michael Jackson. Just bizarre. Gene's Willy Wonka was a bit of an odd duck but not scary. I don't know what research could be done for that role, apart from reading the book, but whatever he did, Gene fit that role.

   Likewise with  David Suchet and his interpretation of Poirot.  A self-professed perfectionist,  David went over Poirot's character description and traits with the proverbial fine-toothed comb, so who would know better?   The man was willing to go to 'battle'  with some of the series' directors  for some of  Poirot's eccentric mannerisms,  (placing a linen handkerchief on a bench before sitting on said bench) in order to maintain the character's full integrity.  That speaks for the heart of the actor,  and, as far as this Poirot fan is concerned,  heart is what will make or break Brannaugh's attempt.

   If this is a Hollywood flic, then quelle surprise. They won't be looking for an honest interpretation of a character so much as what will it take to put people's butts into the seats.
 "Oh, gee, I know!  That Poirot series is still big, but now, let's do...whatever  and call the lead character Poirot. "   And  for many, that ruse may well work.  Just not with me.  And I know other bonafide Poirot fans who will not fork over hard-earned dollars or Euros to witness such

a travesty.

And, this is where it gets kinda funny.   Being a fan of Nostalgia Critic, I have seen N.C.'s sometimes HILARIOUS reviews of unholy garbage, spewed onto movie screens, and some of the worst were sequels.  And then there's...this!  Doug Walker reviews Garbage Pail Kids   

  I'll admit, in a state of red-faced embarrassment , that when  I saw the trailer for Brannaugh's Orient Express,  my knee jerk reaction was,
"I'd sooner see Garbage Pail Kids."   

    I reiterate... KNEE-JERK REACTIONPlease don't hold me to it!  😱I mean, being HEART-SICK is one thing.  I can cry and eat too much ice cream and write angry blogs and fan fiction to vent.   On the other hand,  our dearly departed Papa Poirot would not want fans sacrificing the LITTLE GREY CELLS  (or stomach acids for that matter)  to make  a  point.   I just will NOT see Brannaugh's version of this story. Instead  I'll watch the genuine Poirot (D.S.) in said movie and let that be that.  

P.S.  If you aren't a big fan of swearing, DON'T watch the Doug Walker review for Garbage Pail Kids.  

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